The House of Ash

"Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get "real" jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every role, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life-the car, the family, the house, the nest egg.

But they stay true to their dream, in spite of the sacrifices. Why?

Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment-to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes." 

~David Ackert

Still Needed:

This is an excerpt from a piece I did during a COTE "Home and Garden" rehearsal. The prompt was "Why Do You Go to the Theatre"?

A friend of mine, who’s a pretty well respected Manhattan therapist recently asked me, “Ashley – why are you in theatre?” and my response was “I imagine it’s the same reason you’re a psychotherapist.”

This threw her off guard.

“And that is?”

“I have a lot of unanswered questions about myself and the world that can only begin to be explored through art.”

“Oh?” Her eyes got big and invested like she had hit gold. I probably should have stopped there, but apparently since I like to “test boundaries” (something she often brings to my attention) I add, “Yeah. And I’m sick of being lied to…”

I have no idea where this even came from but I think that’s what she was looking for because she smirked. Not a big grin, but just enough that I could tell she’s onto something. She’s totally baiting me but I’ve been around too many therapists for far too long to fall for this so I make an allusion to “In Treatment”.

“Don’t Paul me..” I say.

“Paul?”

Paul is the psychoanalyst on HBO’s drama “In Treatment”, Gabriel Byrne’s character, the role he should have received the Emmy for… God, there’s nothing I like more than making obscure television references to make awkward situations slightly more… awkward.

Of course, she brings me back down to earth or back to the conversation at least.

“Who’s lying to you?” She asks it sweetly at first and I pretend not to hear which only makes her ask it again with more motivation, “Who’s lying to you?”

I shrug. Alright, I admit, that was the wrong can of worms to open. Now I would be forced to give an explanation. I should I give her something deep, something worth pondering. Something about my childhood. Therapists love that shit. It’s like on that episode of the X-Files where Mulder undergoes hypnotic regression that totally brings up severe childhood traumas stemming from when his sister was abducted by aliens … I digress.

“Well, you see, as a kid my only solace in my broken home was through becoming someone else. It was the only place I could find my true self, my many selves…” Insert “United States of Tara” reference right here.

I guess there’s no need to manipulate. Perhaps she really does want to know why I feel I have been so mislead by my family, my country, my government, the whole damn world that the only place I can be free is on stage – whether it be through the characters I develop as a playwright, breathe life into as an actor or the incredibly deep worlds I invent as a director, the worlds that most of the time I wish I could dive into and live in forever. The truth is, for a number of reasons, I don’t feel safe exploring the controversial and sensitive material that my work deals with outside of my “workspace”. Blame it on whatever you’d like, the twenty six death threats I received in my e-mail box after speaking on CNN World or the third “terrorist watch list” my name was added to after directing a show about Palestinians, and no not Hamas fighters, just the regular day to day happenings of life under military occupation.

“Have you heard the saying ‘Politicians use lies to cover the truth while artists use lies to tell it?’ It’s in the film V for Vendetta. I’ve seen too much truth and the only way to even begin to scratch the tip of the iceberg of rage I’m feeling is through theatre. I am one angry mother fucker. And if I didn’t have an outlet for it, I guarantee you I’d be painting a white padded cell with my own blood and shit… like Miguel Alvarez in Oz. Oh, don’t tell me you missed Oz… I’m not talking about Dorothy’s Oz either…

Okay.

Maybe I “go to” the theatre to avoid the hard stuff.

In recent months I’ve become so good at transforming my pain to paper that I’ve forgotten how to feel.

I don’t pretend to think this is a good thing.

Or a funny thing.

Or something I should be particularly proud of.

Well, it’s not entirely a bad thing either.

There’s no shame.

It just is.

It is.

It is perhaps the only way I have been able to get through the day.

It is a survival mechanism of sorts.

I once played this character who was incarcerated for arson. She would get mad and just light shit on fire in her cell. She was bad ass. Crazy, but bad ass.

I want to be bad ass.

Jolene Shatila, a character I penned, handled the illness of her beloved life partner a lot better than I have my mother.

I want that courage.

And assistant directing Ragtime made me almost forgot how abandoned I feel by my own father when the curtain falls.

I go to the theatre when I can’t go home.

At some point I learned that it’s easier to have the dialogue I want to have in real life through my characters. You know what dialogue I’m talking about, the one that most recently has been ending with me making references to obscure television shows…

I guess you didn’t expect to hear that, huh?

Porch Light Production's Beyond Therapy opens this week! It's going to be super fun, zany and a (very short) break from the super heavy material I usually work on. I would love to see you there! I'm playing Charlotte Wallace, psychoanalyst extraordinaire. Need therapy? Charlotte's your girl! Need good therapy? Charlotte may not be your girl... In any case, she will warm your heart and make you smile.

2011 is off to a busy start. Next week I'll be filming the first episode of a paranormal television pilot called Beyond Haunted, which is being pitched to several cable networks. I'll be one of the paranormal investigators (think Ghost Hunters). It's a dream gig, as deep down ya'all know I've always wanted to be Fox Mulder (from the X-Files)... j/k. Also, last week I was interviewed on author Liz Funk's blog for her new project "Coming of Age in a Crap Economy". It's short and fun. Would love for you to check it out.

Finally, I'll be back to political theatre at the end of the month. Co-Op Theatre East is producing Trojan Women Redux, opening January 28th at the Looking Glass Theater in midtown. COTE's Literary Director, Casey Cleverly has adapted and directed this unbelievable piece which raises consciousness on the current sex and human trafficking crisis happening throughout the globe. We are collaborating with several non-profits working on this issue to encourage audiences to take a stand and become active in ending sexual violence and human trafficking.

I have also just started rehearsals for several upcoming projects that I'm directing with my youth performance company, Project Girl Performance Collective. Our 2011 season includes performances at the United Nations, NJ State Theater, Richmond Virginia Holocaust Museum and various schools, Universities throughout the tri-state area, plus the development of a new piece with young men and women called "10 Years Later: Voices from the Post 9/11 Generation Speak" in which we're exploring the aftermath of the September 11th terrorist attacks and this idea of a "post 9/11 generation". I can't begin to express my excitement over this project. We have kids coming from as far as West Virginia and Maryland each week to be part of this and it's going to be something really special.

Both Project Girl Performance Collective and Co-Op Theatre East have completely taken off in 2010 and it's because of the support from audiences and YOU! Right now the sky's the limit for both of these companies and we're ecstatic about our 2011 season and looking ahead!

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Dirty Sugar is in the house!!!!

Ideally, at some point I will get better at updating this blog as things happen. In any case, I am super excited about my recent photo shoot with the gang at Dirty Sugar. They are FIERCE. Follow them on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/dirty-sugar-photography/30540017687 . Dirty Sugar is hands down some of the most talented photographers out there (not to mention, the coolest people) . I had an absolute blast working with them and learned a whole lot about photography. Their use of color and light is like no other. Check out their website: http://dirtysugarphotography.com/site/splashpage.html . They first came on my radar via facebook about a year ago and I fell in love. Of course, I will continue to facebook stalk. In any case if you're looking for new headshots, these are the guys to go to! Highly recommended to all!

I’m a creator of excessive lists. At the beginning of the summer, when I made the commitment to pursue the business of acting (I never actually stopped performing, I just wasn’t actively in the pursuit of acting work) I plotted my return plan of action carefully in a list that now looks somewhat like this:

June:

Research Acting Classes

Start Diet and Exercise Routine

Pick 3 Killer Monologues

July:

Narrow Down Acting Classes

Start Researching Headshot Photographers

Make schedule at the beginning of the week that includes dance class (don’t skip it!)

August:

Audition/Sign Up for Acting Classes

Narrow down Headshot Photographers

Submit for every role I’m right for

Audition, Audition, Audition

I keep my lists. I cross tasks off as I finish them and then I file them neatly, if they aren’t already in one of the notebooks I’d never be caught dead without. I’m also an excessive note taker. I write everything down from general observations of people I see in the streets and favorite quotes to ideas for new plays. If there are no words to express it, I draw pictures or take photography. My notebooks end up looking like that of a mad scientist or artist, which I guess we theatre types are both.

I often have to remind myself that this business is a marathon, not a sprint. There’s always so much work to be done at all times and I am the type who will happily forego a night out with friends to finish the tasks on a list. (Have you read Emily Kinney’s blog entry on Back Stage Unscripted http://backstage.blogs.com/unscripted/2010/09/what-its-like-to-be-a-flake.html, “What It’s Like To Be a Flake”… I identify) I don’t think of it as flakey though (I’m probably in denial)… rather, I tell myself I’m a recluse by choice. Though recently I’ve written this proverb on the top of my white board “All work and no play makes Jack a boring boy”. Next month’s list looks a bit like this:

October:

Find the Balance